Lardvark

There are days when I find myself reminiscing about my homeland where I spent my childhood. I was raised in the Philippines, in the city of Manila. My father was an unemployed circus performer for most of his life. He had dreams of making it in one of the big-time circus shows, but there was never any need for his special talent. He was what is known as a “starer”. He never lost a staring contest. He had nerves of steel and he never looked away first. He also had two glass eyes which is kind of an unfair advantage, but Dad didn’t care. He knew he had something special and he wasn’t going to give up his dream. So dad never worked much. Mom raised 38 kids in her lifetime. Only 4 of them were hers. She was a Kleptomaniac and she loved to steal other peoples children. She never called it “kidnapping” and we were never allowed to utter that word in the house. Mom was a wonderful lady, but she was a strict disciplinarian. She carried a “time-out gun”. She had a bad temper that 11 of her kids would ultimately pay for it with their lives.

While Mom was out stealing kids, Dad would just sit around all day polishing his glass eyeballs with an old dirty sock. We were poor. We never had enough food to eat unless mom used her time-out gun that day. I was forced to work in the Manila folder mines.

For 10 years I worked 12 hour shifts deep below the surface in the often dangerous Manila folder mine. The work was filthy and I never finished a shift with a paper cut or two. The pay was terrible. I made 2 cents a month, but that would purchase food for my whole family. Sometimes the mine would run low on cash and they would pay us in Manila folders. I had no documents to sort so I sold them at the local market where business men would pay me for my folders (and oral sex).

Just your typical childhood in Manila.