Lardvark

Summary: Holy fucking shit this movie sucked!

If you are thinking about watching this movie… STOP! There are better ways to spend your time. You could:

• Poke yourself in the Liver with a screwdriver. It’ll be less painful than watching this movie.
• Eat shards of broken glass. Also less painful.
• Go to a wallpaper convention. It will be more interesting.

The movie starts with… something happening to someone. I’ve blocked out the details. I think some Amish chick dies. As the movie progressed I was hoping that more people would die. Like the whole fucking cast. No such luck. I would re-write the script to include a Grizzly bear attack.

This Amish chick dies and her kids that are put in the custody of her very modern sister. Of course she is from some big city and has no idea how to raise children, and these are Amish kids so it’s a hoot. As you can see, this is already a completely believable story.

Cultures clash in mind-numbing, stereotypical ways. They go to big-city schools, dress in modern clothing, shoot dope, smoke crack, try out anal sex, and so on. The Amish boy tries out for the wrestling team and even though he has never wrestled, he is an immediate success. I don’t know how this is possible, but since he lived on a farm he probably knows 58 different ways to pin down a sheep and fuck it, and those are transferable skills.

The middle girl, Anna Mae, gets all wild and *gasp* puts on some make-up! It takes her less than a week to abandon her religion and her entire way of life just so she can fit in with a group of shallow teenage girls. Great message!

I guess there was another kid named Josiah. I honestly can’t remember him in the movie.

And then there is Lyddie, the eldest. To say that she overacts the sappy scenes would be like saying Ron Jeremy occasionally gets laid. She cries in EVERY SCENE! I shit you not.

The star of the movie, Sarah Cain, is kind of shallow bitch at the beginning, but the by the end of the movie she transforms into an annoying shallow bitch. She is the anchor that slowly sinks this floating turd of a movie.

The horse and buggy chase scene is the highlight of the film. Action-packed. That would describe chase scenes in other movies. Not in this one though. It is the slowest chase scene in the history of chase scenes.

SPOILER ALERT!… would have went here if I would have been able to stay awake until the end of the film.