Lardvark

We have all experienced a little pain at the pump lately. And unless you take public transportation or you are one of those Prius queers, you have dumped a lot of cash in the tank this year. Some people have resorted to scaling back on their unnecessary expenses by doing such things as not going to the movies or not ordering out for pizza. Well fuck that!

No, that doesn’t even cover it.

DOUBLE FUCK THAT! I’m not giving up my pizza for any goddamn thing! You can shove that idea straight up your ass, pull it out your mouth, and feed it to an alligator! I’m not cutting back for anything!

So I’ve compiled a few gas-saving techniques that might help out the average Joe.

The Ol’ Drive Off. This one is a classic, and it’s simple. Just go to a gas station that doesn’t make you pre-pay ( their aren’t many left), fill up your tank, and fuckin’ drive the fuck out of there! Don’t speed off or act suspicious. Just drive away like that gas was yours to begin with! But don’t get caught. In Ohio you get your license suspended for doing some shit like that. Then you’ll be saving a lot of money on gas.

Siphon Got some free time? Are you sneaky? Then you are ready to do some siphoning! You will need an empty gas can, a hose, and a vehicle located in a dimly lit area without a locked gas cap. I suggest finding a truck. They have much bigger tanks and you are more likely to fill up your can in just one visit. Siphon out what you need and be sure to replace the gas cap and close the access door. You don’t want anyone to get suspicious.

I hope this helps.

There are days when I find myself reminiscing about my homeland where I spent my childhood. I was raised in the Philippines, in the city of Manila. My father was an unemployed circus performer for most of his life. He had dreams of making it in one of the big-time circus shows, but there was never any need for his special talent. He was what is known as a “starer”. He never lost a staring contest. He had nerves of steel and he never looked away first. He also had two glass eyes which is kind of an unfair advantage, but Dad didn’t care. He knew he had something special and he wasn’t going to give up his dream. So dad never worked much. Mom raised 38 kids in her lifetime. Only 4 of them were hers. She was a Kleptomaniac and she loved to steal other peoples children. She never called it “kidnapping” and we were never allowed to utter that word in the house. Mom was a wonderful lady, but she was a strict disciplinarian. She carried a “time-out gun”. She had a bad temper that 11 of her kids would ultimately pay for it with their lives.

While Mom was out stealing kids, Dad would just sit around all day polishing his glass eyeballs with an old dirty sock. We were poor. We never had enough food to eat unless mom used her time-out gun that day. I was forced to work in the Manila folder mines.

For 10 years I worked 12 hour shifts deep below the surface in the often dangerous Manila folder mine. The work was filthy and I never finished a shift with a paper cut or two. The pay was terrible. I made 2 cents a month, but that would purchase food for my whole family. Sometimes the mine would run low on cash and they would pay us in Manila folders. I had no documents to sort so I sold them at the local market where business men would pay me for my folders (and oral sex).

Just your typical childhood in Manila.

Summary: Holy fucking shit this movie sucked!

If you are thinking about watching this movie… STOP! There are better ways to spend your time. You could:

• Poke yourself in the Liver with a screwdriver. It’ll be less painful than watching this movie.
• Eat shards of broken glass. Also less painful.
• Go to a wallpaper convention. It will be more interesting.

The movie starts with… something happening to someone. I’ve blocked out the details. I think some Amish chick dies. As the movie progressed I was hoping that more people would die. Like the whole fucking cast. No such luck. I would re-write the script to include a Grizzly bear attack.

This Amish chick dies and her kids that are put in the custody of her very modern sister. Of course she is from some big city and has no idea how to raise children, and these are Amish kids so it’s a hoot. As you can see, this is already a completely believable story.

Cultures clash in mind-numbing, stereotypical ways. They go to big-city schools, dress in modern clothing, shoot dope, smoke crack, try out anal sex, and so on. The Amish boy tries out for the wrestling team and even though he has never wrestled, he is an immediate success. I don’t know how this is possible, but since he lived on a farm he probably knows 58 different ways to pin down a sheep and fuck it, and those are transferable skills.

The middle girl, Anna Mae, gets all wild and *gasp* puts on some make-up! It takes her less than a week to abandon her religion and her entire way of life just so she can fit in with a group of shallow teenage girls. Great message!

I guess there was another kid named Josiah. I honestly can’t remember him in the movie.

And then there is Lyddie, the eldest. To say that she overacts the sappy scenes would be like saying Ron Jeremy occasionally gets laid. She cries in EVERY SCENE! I shit you not.

The star of the movie, Sarah Cain, is kind of shallow bitch at the beginning, but the by the end of the movie she transforms into an annoying shallow bitch. She is the anchor that slowly sinks this floating turd of a movie.

The horse and buggy chase scene is the highlight of the film. Action-packed. That would describe chase scenes in other movies. Not in this one though. It is the slowest chase scene in the history of chase scenes.

SPOILER ALERT!… would have went here if I would have been able to stay awake until the end of the film.

Don’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia. For example, the Wikipedia page dedicated to our good friend, the Goiter, is full of bullshit. Now I’m not a doctor, but I do know a lot about doctoring; I have never missed an episode of House. I think that qualifies me to answer medical questions.

Goiters are God’s way of saying “You are all done having sex”. The mainstream media would have you believe that goiters are most commonly caused by a lack of Iodine in your diet. If you believe that, you probably believe in unicorns.

So just what is inside that wonderful goiter? ‘Scientists’ and ‘Real’ doctors will insist that your goit’ contains tissue and bodily fluid. WRONG! Most goiters contain one or more of the following:

• A kitten.
• 15 gold medallions.
• Your Grandpa.

See? Now don’t you feel stupid? You should.

How does one remove a goiter? There are so-called ‘medical procedures’ that claim to work. They even say that it’s safe. Do you really trust someone cutting you open with a KNIFE!? Yeah, right! The only method that works: Voodoo. Just a little black magic and your eternal soul will buy yourself a de-goitering.

Disclaimer: Never question me.

I am Larry, plain and tall. This is my first post.